Fertility Challenges & Mental Health

If you’ve experienced any struggles with fertility, you’re likely already well aware that it can have significant impacts on your mental health. I was in the thick of infertility for about two and a half years before conceiving via IVF, and I can tell you that those were a couple of the most challenging years that I’ve experienced.

While each person goes through their own journey with infertility or loss, most can attest to layers of trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, confusion, and uncertainty. This can be an incredibly hard time to navigate, and it is no wonder that it has an impact on our mental health.

In this blog post, we will go over why infertility, pregnancy loss, and other fertility challenges can impact our mental health; explore what signs let you know that you need support, and ways that you can heal and be present in your life even while you are going through this experience.

Why Are Fertility Struggles So Hard?

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is hard for us in any circumstance, but it can be especially impactful with something so significant as growing our family. If you are struggling with fertility, you may feel like you don’t know what the future holds. Will you be able to have children? Will you need treatment? How long will it take to grow your family? What’s the timeline for my life?

These questions feel like they are hanging in the balance and take away any sense of control that you can have in regards to growing your family. Getting pregnant is often one of the biggest life transitions one can go through, and when things don't go that way we are left feeling confused and lost.

Treatment

Uff da, infertility treatment is no joke. Not everyone who goes through fertility struggles goes through treatment, but for those that do- you are going through a lot. I went through four failed IUIs and one (thankfully successful) round of IVF. These treatments take a huge toll.

When going through fertility treatment, we are investing so much of our time, finances, energy, and body into something that we aren’t sure will work. The stakes of uncertainty can feel so much more intense during treatment cycles. We may be trying to remain hopeful, but also understandably struggling with fear and doubt.

On top of all of the investments that we go through for treatment, the medical trauma one can experience here is real. Whether you are feeling unsupported by your medical team, struggling with complicated medical procedures, or going through a lot of other difficult feelings as you navigate the medical system- this process can feel traumatic and overwhelming.

Trauma

Those who go through any fertility struggles are likely to hit some trauma. It can feel very traumatic to put so much energy into something that doesn’t seem to be moving forward. Living life while not knowing what the future holds can certainly bring up “why me” questions. We start to wonder what is wrong with me, or what have I done to mean that I don’t get to grow my family in the way or timeline that I wanted. We may view ourselves and the world in different and scarier ways due to our experience.

In addition to these complicated experiences we go through internally, we may not feel supported by those around us as well. Friends or family may not be able to understand or help us in the ways that we need. This can leave us feeling invalidated and isolated from those we love most. And, narratives around infertility in the world around us can further that feeling.

Going through the trauma of infertility or miscarriage is a difficult process- made even more difficult by the fact that most people just don't get how hard it is. This lack of understanding can make our concerns around fertility feel all that much heavier.

Grief

Grief holds a lot of space in infertility and pregnancy loss. You are grieving the timeline that you once thought your life would hold. You are grieving the simplicity that your life and your relationships used to have. You are grieving the potential loss of what your future may be. You are grieving failed cycles and may also be grieving failed treatments or pregnancy losses.

You're likely to feel grief in this process in big ways, and often, it isn't grief that others can fully see or understand. We may feel that there aren't others to help us hold the weight of our experience, and we may also feel the expectation to keep pushing through life as is. We may even feel shame for how much we are struggling with the grief. It's a complicated process!

Relationship Impacts

Fertility struggles can bring some unique impacts to relationships. If you are going through this with a partner, that relationship may feel like it has changed a lot. Intimacy may feel focused on this goal that you both feel stuck in, communication may feel extra messy, and quality time may feel like it is becoming less and less frequent.

Outside relationships can also take a hit as well. Due to struggles with infertility, it makes sense that you may not be able to show up and connect with friends and family in the same way that you used to. You may also have loved ones who just don’t get what you’re going through- which can create distance in those relationships. As humans are social creatures, impacts in relationships will certainly hold a lot of weight on our mental health.

Navigating infertility and pregnancy loss is a time that we need connection from our loved ones, and yet can be a time that it is the most challenging to get that help.

Signs that You May Need Support Through Fertility Challenges

You're Experiencing Fertility Issues

Anyone going through fertility challenges can benefit from support. This time can be filled with so much grief, anxiety, uncertainty, depression, stress, and confusion- and it is hard to hold any of that alone.

It can be easy to compare yourself to others who have it worse and think that you don't deserve support because someone else has been through more than you have. So, here's a reminder from a therapist: you not getting the support you need isn't going to help anyone else. If we all can recognize a need for support and connect to that in whatever ways available to us- it's going to be a benefit.

So, as much as you can- try not to feel that you need to reach a certain threshold of pain before getting help. You're going through it and that is enough.

You're Struggling with Your Mental Health

Mental health symptoms tend to show up or increase during difficult life transitions. Going through infertility, pregnancy loss, or any other fertility challenge certainly counts as a difficult life transition, and mental health diagnoses are common here.

Anxiety during fertility challenges can look like ruminating on your situation, feeling consumed with future planning and decisions, high amounts of perfectionism in any approach you are taking, racing thoughts about what is going on, and a difficult time relaxing or reducing stress levels.

Depression during fertility challenges can look like disconnection with your identity/life goals, critical self-talk, feelings of low self-worth, feelings of sadness, withdrawing from others, and a difficult time moving forward.

Other mental health symptoms during infertility or pregnancy loss can include excessive guilt around things not working the way that they "should", feeling isolated, irritability in your relationships, feelings of anger that are overwhelming, difficulty connecting to coping skills during stressful moments, high amounts of stress in regards to medical appointments, and so on.

It makes sense that anyone going through infertility, miscarriage, or any challenge around fertility would be struggling with their mental health. Each person may struggle in different ways, which is why working on a support plan that is specific to your needs is key.

You're Noticing Relationship Difficulties

Naturally, relationship difficulties can show up around infertility and loss. If you are going through this process in a partnership- things may feel tense and overly focused on this phase of life. There is something so important to your family, and yet, it isn't working. Many couples struggle in their relationship during infertility or pregnancy loss as it is such a significant life stressor.

Conversations together may be mainly focused on the fertility challenges, fertility treatments, or figuring out next steps. And, while those are important conversations, they can feel all-consuming. Sometimes, this leaves us feeling disconnected to our partner and we may need some support in couples counseling.

Likewise, other relationships may feel strained as well. Friends and family may be well-meaning, but just don't know how to support us if they haven't been through it themselves. Others may say things that feel invalidating or hurtful- leaving us to feel isolated in our struggle. Getting ourselves the help we need can not only help us to feel seen and heard, but also help us identify what ways we can feel more connected in our relationships.

How Can We Hold Space For Ourselves While We Are Going Through It?

Seek Support

Fertility struggles are a lot to hold, and it’s normal to need help holding space for it all. I find therapy to be a useful tool in any time of transition, and especially helpful when dealing with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. I would recommend finding a therapist with expertise or at least familiarity in the area that you are struggling with.

Infertility therapists, or therapists who specialize in infertility, pregnancy loss, and other fertility challenges will be able to truly understand what you are going through and be able to provide effective support for the anxiety, depression, grief, relationship issues, or other stressors you are experiencing during this time. A therapist can be a great resource for helping you to hold a safe space for your experience.

Therapy or process groups are also a great way to gain support and talk with people who get what you’re going through. Additionally, building a strong support system in your life can be very impactful. Practicing vulnerability around fertility struggles can be very challenging, so start off with those who have previously been effective in providing support for you.

Boundaries

I can’t emphasize enough how important boundaries are. When building your support system, you may find that you have certain family members or friends who just can’t get it. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad support system, but may not understand your experience enough to be a helpful support system on this topic. Of course, we can let people know what we need, but it’s also okay to choose who we want to talk about our experience with and who we do not want to be as open with about it.

Others in our lives may be going through the life transitions that we so dearly wish we could have for ourselves. And while we can still have supportive relationships with them, there may be times we need space from certain aspects of those relationships. This doesn't mean we need to cut them off, but may mean that we need to have open communication around the boundaries we need at different parts of our journey.

Self-Care

I know, self-care is thrown out like a cure-all to everything these days, but I can’t emphasize enough how important self-care is while you are struggling with fertility. You are going through a lot, and you deserve practices that help you feel supported. Often, the first place we start with in building skills to cope with life stressors is self-care an routines that nurture us.

If you’re not sure where to start with self-care, I always recommend beginning with routines. It may seem simple or not impactful, but making sure we are getting enough sleep, eating nourishing foods, and moving our bodies can make a huge difference for our mental health. Self-care can also involve connecting with nature, doing body work that we enjoy (such as a massage or acupuncture), taking breaks from technology or social media, as well as doing activities that we enjoy.

Connecting To Joy

This one is way easier said than done. So, let me start off by saying that you don’t always have to feel connected to joy. You are allowed to have days/weeks that you are just feeling stuck. It’s normal to feel angry, sad, anxious, defeated, hopeless, or whatever unpleasant emotion shows up with this. And- those emotions can co-exist with joy.

Putting some energy towards doing things that fill you up is important in this journey. Maybe you take a weekend trip with your partner and leave the fertility struggles at home. Maybe you pick up a new hobby that keeps you focused. Or, maybe you take some breaks from trying to get pregnant when you need to. My experience with infertility involved an 8 month break from treatment- this was so helpful for me to focus on other things in my life rather than feel stuck with this one goal that felt impossible.

Final Thoughts

Fertility struggles are A LOT. Infertility, pregnancy loss, and other fertility challenges can have a significant impact on our mental health. Whether you notice that you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or another mental health diagnosis- or maybe you're not sure what you're feeling but you know this time is tough- it's okay to get help.

You deserve understanding and healing. Working with an infertility therapist can make all the difference. Sometimes, we don't have others in our life that truly get it, so infertility counseling can be a space that we feel truly seen and heard.

At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we have therapists who specialize in infertility, pregnancy loss, as well as trauma and perinatal mental health so that you feel supported throughout your entire journey. If you are in Minnesota and are looking for infertility counseling services, check out our team to see if there is anyone you would like to work with!

If you’d like a little more on infertility, you can check out my podcast episode: Infertility and Mental Health.

About the author

Hi, I'm Kayla! I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Minnesota. I founded Minnesota Attachment Collective to support folks working through trauma and perinatal mental health- which includes infertility and pregnancy loss. My aim is to help clients feel present in their experience, connect to healing practices, and be able to move forward with a life that feels fulfilling to them.

You can learn more about my therapy offerings here as well as my other offerings here!