5 things not to say to someone struggling with infertility

And… 5 things to say instead.

Let’s start of with some helpful phrases to avoid:

1. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen!

   This statement does not feel as reassuring as you might intend it to be. Your loved one struggling with infertility is probably already questioning why it hasn’t happened for them yet when it can happen so quickly for others. Implying that it will happen when it is supposed to is also saying that there must be some reason it hasn’t happened yet.

2. Have you tried [insert unsolicited advice here]?

   Unless they’re specifically asking for advice, leave your suggestions at the door. Most likely, they’ve googled and tried everything in the book. Simply ditching coffee for the month isn’t going to be the fix, and giving tips like this may feel invalidating for what they have been through.

3. You can take my kids, I need a break!

   I know you need a break, and this is not a great thing to say to someone with infertility. Let’s make sure not to minimize the trauma that they’re experiencing with one-off comments like this.

4. There’s always adoption.

   Eeek. First off, it’s valid and understandable if they would like to have a biological child or go through pregnancy themselves. And also, adoption is not a solution to infertility- and infertility is not the solution to the foster system crisis. While some who go through infertility may end up pursuing fostering or adoption, that is a very complicated process (both logistically and emotionally for all involved).

5. Just take a break from it. If you can relax then it’ll happen naturally!

   I am begging you, please don’t tell someone going through fertility challenges to relax. Infertility is an actual medical diagnosis, and taking a beach vacation is not going to solve it.

So, what might be some helpful replacement phrases?

1. I am so sorry you’re going through this. How can I best support you?

   Giving them some compassion and also checking in with how they would like support is a great place to start! This gives them permission to let you know what would feel supportive to them- sometimes they might want to talk while other times they might want a distraction. Let them tell you what they need.

2. It must be so challenging to go through something filled with so much uncertainty.

   Validating how uncomfortable the uncertainty is can be incredibly powerful. It acknowledges that there is no easy problem solving, simple timeline, or certain fix. Helping them hold space for that can make a world of difference for them.

3. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.

   Reminding them often that you’re here for them to talk can feel so supportive. Those going through infertility might wonder if they are exhausting their loved ones by talking about it so much, and so reminding them that it’s okay can help you feel like a safe space when they need to process.

4. I’m thinking of you and just wanted to check in if you’re up for talking. How are you feeling?

   Let them know you’re thinking of them! Even if they’re not in a space to process it all, it can feel reassuring to know that they aren’t isolated in their experience.

5. I can only imagine how incredibly stressed you’re feeling. I’m here if you’d like to process it or do something to get your mind off of it.

   Rather than telling them not to stress, validate that it makes sense that they would feel stressed. And, by offering to process or help them get their mind off of it, you can actually be helping with that stress for the moment.

If you or someone you know is going through infertility and is located in Minnesota, we are here to help! We have therapists who specialize in infertility and can help hold space for healing throughout this process. Check out our providers here.