5 things not to say to someone who had a pregnancy loss

And… 5 things to say instead.

Let’s start of with some helpful phrases to avoid:

1. At least it was early.

   A pregnancy loss at any phase can feel traumatic and deserves space for grief. While a loss at different phases of pregnancy may have unique challenges, that does not mean that any phases are less impactful.

2. At least you know you can get pregnant!

   This can feel so invalidating to the roller coaster of emotions this person just went through. If they were wanting to get pregnant, they may have been feeling extremely joyful, only for that high to be crushed with the loss. It’s also valid that they may have fears of future miscarriages or challenges conceiving down the road.

3. Be thankful that you already have children.

   Already having children does not take away the grief of a pregnancy loss. In fact, for some, it may feel even more challenging. They may have added sadness around the loss of their child’s future sibling as well as difficulty holding space for grief while also parenting their other kids.

4. This baby must not have been meant to be.

   Oof, yeah, let’s just avoid this one. It’s understandable to try to find meaning in painful moments, but this statement can feel very invalidating and painful.

5. I’m sure you’ll get pregnant again quickly!

   Even if they did get pregnant again quickly, that doesn’t mean that the grief of this loss goes away. In fact, they may have more anxiety going forwards around future pregnancy loss. And, it’s also completely valid that they may not want to try to get pregnant right away as they are struggling with the trauma of their loss.

So, what might be some helpful replacement phrases?

1. I am so sorry you’re going through this. How can I best support you?

   Giving them some compassion and also checking in with how they would like support is a great place to start! This gives them permission to let you know what would feel supportive to them- sometimes they might want to talk while other times they might want a distraction. Let them tell you what they need.

2. I can imagine this time is filled with a lot of grief. How are you honoring your experience and the pregnancy?

   Validating for them that their loss is worthy of grief can be important. Some struggle to feel that they can really hold space for and honor the loss of their pregnancy as it can feel a little ambiguous. Letting them know that you support them through that and understand can be very meaningful.

3. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.

   Reminding them often that you’re here for them to talk can feel so supportive. Those going through infertility might wonder if they are exhausting their loved ones by talking about it so much, and so reminding them that it’s okay can help you feel like a safe space when they need to process.

4. I’m thinking of you and just wanted to check in if you’re up for talking. How are you feeling?

   Let them know you’re thinking of them! Even if they’re not in a space to process it all, it can feel reassuring to know that they aren’t isolated in their experience.

5. Use the language that they use.

   Different people will view their loss in different ways. Some refer to it as a pregnancy loss, others refer to it as losing their baby. Tune into how they are connecting to the experience and affirm it with the language you use.

If you or someone you know is going through pregnancy loss and is located in Minnesota, we are here to help! We have therapists who specialize in fertility challenges and can help hold space for healing throughout this process. Check out our providers here.