Navigating Parental Preference
Seasons of parental preference are a normal, and very challenging, experience in parenthood.
Most parents are all-too familiar with the concept of the “preferred parent”. This is when kiddo will have a parent that they seem to prefer over the other for some period of time. It often looks like them going to one parent to get their needs met, seeking comfort from that parent, and having a difficult time when they are needing to be cared for by the other parent.
This experience is hard for both parents!
The preferred parent is likely to feel overwhelmed and stressed by needing to meet so many of their child’s needs. They may feel an extra burden of responsibility, have a hard time getting a break, feel touched-out, and feel an imbalance in labor with their partner.
On the other hand, the “non-preferred parent” if you will may be feeling rejected and lonely in the family. They likely want to meet their child’s needs, and feel sad that the child would prefer to be with the other parent.
Often, seasons of parental preference have nothing to do with either parents abilities or skill levels.
Sure, if one parent is pretty disengaged or absent, they’ll likely fall into the non-preferred parent category. Or, if a parent jumps in and takes over all child care duties regularly, they may become the preferred parent.
But, usually, it is just a very normal shift in preference that all families go through. And, while there isn’t anything we can do to eliminate parental preference completely, we can work to reduce how significantly it impacts the family system.
Let’s normalize parental preference
I’ve yet to meet a family who hasn’t dealt with some parental preference. I have worked with a lot of new parents, and see some common patterns that I’ll share with you. But, please know that these common patterns are not how it always looks or should look- just some examples of how it may look.
In the first year of life, I see a lot of parental preference towards the birthing parent. This is for a number of different reasons that may or may not occur in every family. First off, the birthing parent has likely had a closer relationship with baby during pregnancy. While baby has heard the voice of both parents, it’s certainly heard the voice of mom the most.
Baby has been inside mom’s body for most of their life, and is so used to the sound of mom’s heart, the feel of mom’s breath, and what it feels like to be with mom. It makes sense that newborns are going to experience some parental preference towards mom once they’re aware of what’s going on outside of the womb.
And, here in the US, mom may be the only one who gets any parental leave. So, we can add in this extra bonding time with mom that is going to strengthen parental preference. And, if mom is nursing, baby is also used to mom being the primary provider of one of their main comforts in infancy.
I know in my experience, this was the case. I was able to take significantly more parental leave than my partner, which meant I was the primary caregiver for most of those early months. Even when I did return to work, I did so part-time, and so our kiddo was more attached to me due to that.
This first year of life can bring in some intense parental preference towards mom/the birthing parent, which can feel challenging as it is such a long period of time with so much transition! And, in toddlerhood, I’ve commonly seen some shifts in the preferred parent dynamic.
As little ones enter toddlerhood, they may feel more balanced comforts with both parents. They may also have tapped into certain areas that they feel especially connected to one parent or another. For my family (and many parents that I see), the non-birthing parent, or dad in heterosexual couples, may get to rise in preference around play.
While not always the case, it’s common for dad’s to thrive in play and rough housing- which is so fun and regulating for toddlers! This may bring about some shift in parental preference, and even times when the previously non-preferred parent becomes the preferred parent.
While it’s important for both parents to be confident in capable in all aspects of parenting: nurturing, meeting basic needs, and play, it’s normal for partners to excel in different areas. While me and my husband enjoy doing all of those aspects, I feel especially connected to the nurturing aspects, and my husband feels especially connecting to the play aspects.
Our now two year old has obviously picked up on these things and typically has a different preferred parent for different needs. Our early evenings usually involve a lot of fun and play, and so our toddler shows a strong parental preference to my husband. And later in the evening when we are getting snuggly and ready for bed, she then shows a strong parental preference for me.
Since this tends to balance out pretty well, we roll with it when we can! We are often both happy with taking on more of the responsibilities in those areas and allow the other to get in a little down time when they can. This doesn’t mean that my husband never nurtures or I never play- but it just means we lean into that preference when it’s working for us, and hold boundaries with our kiddo when that’s not how we are going to do it in that moment.
So parental preference is normal, but how can we navigate it so that it isn’t fully taking over our parenting dynamics?
Start off by getting regulated yourself
It can be easy to get in our own heads during difficult seasons of parental preference. The preferred parent may feel overwhelmed and resentful about how many responsibilities they are taking on in regards to parenting. And the non-preferred parent may feel that they are not doing a good job at parenting. Both parents are struggling in equal but different ways.
It’s okay to feel upset or dysregulated by the challenges that parental preference brings. Work to challenge unhelpful thinking and engage in practices to regulate your nervous system- such as taking some deep breaths, seeking support, or taking a break (and yes, working on parental preference will obviously help you get those needed breaks!).
Because each parent’s experiences are different, it is common to feel like you and your partner are on different teams- which can lead to tension, miscommunication, and feelings of loneliness in the relationship.
So part of coming together as a team is accepting that this is normal! Parental preference happens in all families and usually is not related to what the parents are doing. Knowing that it is normal and not the fault of either parent can help you and your partner to get on the same page so that you can navigate this together.
Communicate needs and goals with your partner
As you are working on navigating a season of parental preference, communication is key! Talk with your partner about what you are experiencing and allow space for each partner to feel heard and validated. Both experiences are equally valid, even though they may look a little bit different.
Here, you can also discuss what needs and goals you and your partner have. It may be figuring out how to balance all of the family and household tasks if one parent is taking on more parenting responsibilities. It may also be looking at how to implement boundaries with the kiddo to involve the non-preferred parent more so that they can build their relationship. Often- both of these strategies are needed, which we will get to next!
Lean into it when you need to for the short-term
During more challenging seasons of parental preference, such as the newborn phase, leaps in development, or times of transition, there may be intense parental preference. Here, the baby or toddler may be extra clingy with the preferred parent and go through really big emotions when they are handed off to the non-preferred parent.
As a short-term strategy, you might allow yourselves to lean into this. If your little one is already having a rough time during a developmental leap, they may struggle to sleep, keep to their routines, or feel regulated with previous go-to soothing practices.
As parents, we sometimes feel in survival mode during these times! The last thing that we might want to do is hold some firm boundaries around balancing out parenting responsibilities. So, know that it’s okay to allow the preferred parent dynamic to go on here. Again, it’s normal and okay!
The preferred parenthood may take on some more of the childcare responsibilities just because that’s the easiest way to get through the day. And, the non-preferred parent may take on extra household responsibilities to try to even out the load. With this, make sure that you and your partner are communicating regularly to hold space for each other’s feelings about this and adjust the plan as needed.
Set boundaries and expectations
While leaning into the preferred parent dynamic can be okay in the short-term, it is wise to work on adding in some balance gently over time. During seasons where there aren’t additional challenges to how everyone is feeling (such as developmental leaps), you may want to introduce some new boundaries and expectations around what each parent does.
Know that this may be tough for kiddo. It’s normal for new boundaries and expectations to bring around big feelings. For both parents and the child! Your baby or toddler may feel upset that their non-preferred parent is doing the bedtime routine, the preferred parent may feel a bit dysregulated due to their child being upset, and the non-preferred parent may feel sad that it is so hard for their child to accept this shift.
Keep in mind that parental preference doesn’t mean any parent is doing a bad job! It’s just a season. When we practice bringing in these boundaries and expectations, we all get to make progress and feel more comfortable with the shifts.
Boundaries with little ones are tough - so here are some tips that you might find helpful!
Come up with a shared expectation on what the boundary is
Check in with your partner and come up with a plan together on what the boundary shift is going to be. Let’s take the example of the non-preferred parent taking over the bedtime routine on some evenings. Decide together what evenings those will be, what responsibilities each of you will be taking on, and how you will stick to it when it’s tough.
Communicate it clearly
Even if your little one doesn’t have a full vocabulary yet, we can communicate our boundaries so that they can work to understand them. They take in more than we think, so know that you can express a boundary clearly with them! This might look like “Daddy is going to do your bedtime routine tonight. I am not going to be around, and Daddy is going to do your bath time, get you in your jammies, and read you stories before bed.” Express the boundary that you plan to follow through on so that they can trust in what you are saying.
While it is important to share how the preferred parent will not be involved, it is also important to share when they will be back. This might look like “I won’t be here for your bedtime, and I am so excited to see you again in the morning and give you a big hug!”, and for the non-preferred parent to reiterate that as needed during the boundary shift, which might look like “Mommy isn’t going to help us with bedtime tonight, and she is going to give you such a big hug in the morning!”
We may not feel 100% confident in this process, especially if our little one is having a hard time. And- if we can work to stay regulated and express confidence in the process to our child, they’re likely to have more confidence in it too. Continue to be a team with your partner and allow your little one to see that both parents trust each other to parent well.
Hold space for emotions
It’s likely going to bring up some big emotions, so allow for that. Rather than dismissing their emotions, we can validate that while we also express trust in the shift that is happening. When we are introducing the boundary, it might look like, “I see that you are feeling sad about this, it is okay to feel sad. I know you will miss me, and I will miss you too! Daddy is going to do a great job and make sure to give you extra snuggles.”
During the shift in boundaries, it might look like “I know you miss Mommy. Can you tell me what your favorite thing to do with Mommy during your bedtime routine is?” and following through by offering those things that your child loves.
Follow through
Follow through is especially important. If you’re feeling nervous about sticking to a boundary from the beginning, take it back to a boundary that you and your partner feel comfortable sticking to. If you suspect that kiddo is going to have a super challenging time with Dad taking over the full bedtime routine, start off with just a portion of it that is more likely to be successful (and keep in mind “successful” doesn’t mean that it went off without any tough emotions- rather, means that you were able to get through it.).
Let’s say you tried to do a new boundary and it was a total nightmare and preferred parent had to jump back in. That’s okay! It’s not a failure- it’s a moment of learning. You learned that this boundary may have been too big of a step. Great info! Let’s take it back to a smaller step and work up from there.
Navigating parental preference can be complicated, and it’s okay to turn towards outside support when you need it!
Parenthood is a wild ride! And, we aren’t meant to do it alone. If you are struggling in any area of parenthood, including navigating parental preference, it’s a good idea to get support. There are therapists who specialize in postpartum mental health as well as parenthood who would love to help you hold space for it all and figure out strategies that work best for you and your family!
Minnesota Attachment Collective is a small private practice full of licensed providers who would love to support you as you go through your parenthood experience! Meet our team here, and learn more about all of our services here. We offer free 15-minute consultations to see if we would be a good fit in working together, and offer virtual therapy sessions across all of Minnesota, and in-person sessions at our Eagan, MN office location.
If you enjoy listening to podcasts- head here for an episode on Parental Preference on the Ground and Grow Podcast with Kayla Estenson Williams!