Dads Get the Baby Blues Too: Breaking the Stigma Around Paternal Mental Health
Most of us have heard of the baby blues- and think of it as when new moms hit some extra feelings of sadness after having a baby due to the significant hormonal shifts and major life change. Postpartum blues in women is quite common, and typically resolves in a couple of weeks. However, around 6.5-20% of moms develop postpartum depression- which lasts longer and is more intense than the baby blues.
Slowly, awareness is growing around postpartum depression in women so that more moms are able to get the treatment that they need and deserve. But what about dads? Do they experience the baby blues or postpartum depression?
While not as significant as it is for moms, dads experience shifts in their hormones as well as the significant life change of adding a baby to their family. Studies show that as high as 10% of dads experience postpartum depression- making it clear that all parents deserve mental health support after baby.
What is Paternal Mental Health?
Much like maternal mental health, paternal mental health includes the time frame of trying for a baby (which can be very complex for couples experiencing any fertility challenges), pregnancy, as well as 1-2 years after baby is born. This period of time includes so many major life changes, and can present parents with new mental health symptoms, or exacerbated symptoms of any current mental health conditions.
While awareness about perinatal mental health is nowhere near where it needs to be for women- there seems to be even less awareness about perinatal mental health for men. While it makes sense that women are checked in on more postpartum, since they are physically recovering from pregnancy and birth, navigating the most significant hormonal changes, as well as are more likely to be taking on more childcare duties in the early months- dads tend to slip through the cracks.
Why do dads slip through the cracks?
Here in the US, moms may get 8-12 weeks of maternity leave to care for the new baby and recover postpartum. I could go on and on about how that is certainly not enough time, but I’ll save that for another article. What I will name here is that men rarely get any substantial leave- maybe a few weeks if they’re “lucky”.
This means that moms are typically the ones taking baby to all of their primary care check ups. In a great effort to check-in on parental mental health, some of these check ups include a couple brief inventories for the parent to complete- which let the doctor know if there are any red flags for postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Since moms are most often taking these assessments, that means that they have a better chance at their symptoms being flagged- and thus hopefully some solid recommendations to get support for their mental health.
Of course, I’d love to see more substantial check-ins on moms mental health, it is great that there is something put in place to increase the chances that they recieve the care they need. But what about dads? Often, no professionals are checking-in or assessing their symptoms. Friends and family are less likely to check in on how they are doing. And, mom is understandably a bit too busy to push dad to get support if she’s able to spot some symptoms.
What are some of the common paternal perinatal mental health conditions to look out for?
Just like maternal perinatal mental health conditions- paternal perinatal mental health conditions are mental health symptoms that either begin or increase during the perinatal period (from pregnancy to 1-2 years after birth). While symptoms vary and look different from person to person- I’ll run through some common symptoms that I see show up in my practice.
Paternal Baby Blues
Feelings of sadness, anxiety, or irritability for around 1-2 weeks after baby is born
Changes in eating and sleeping
Feelings of disconnection or worthlessness
Loss of interest in activities
For new dads, the baby blues may come off as some difficulty adjusting to the major family change of bringing a new baby home. They may be feeling overwhelmed with the new and ever-changing routine as well as having a difficult time finding their purpose if baby has a preference for mom (which is very common in the early weeks and months). Symptoms for the baby blues are noticeable, but not super intense. If symptoms are intense or last longer than a couple weeks- you’re likely looking at posptartum depression.
Paternal Postpartum Depression
Feelings of sadness, low mood, irritability, or anger
Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness
Difficulty connecting with baby
Withdrawing from partner or other significant relationships
Changes in sleep or eating
Avoiding discomfort by overworking, substances, excessive sleep, or spending time outside of the home
For dads, postpartum depression can look like a more significant challenge in the adjustment in the family. They may be having a hard time finding confidence in their role in fatherhood, struggling with the changes in their relationships (especially with their partner), or feeling disconnected to their sense of purpose- especially if they have previously found their self-worth in work.
Paternal Postpartum Anxiety
Feelings of anxiety, irritability, or overwhelm
Frequently worrying- often about how their baby or partner are doing
Difficulty managing worry
Changes in eating or sleep
Feeling disconnected from baby, partner, or other significant relationships
Feeling uneasy about purpose or definition of success
Physical symptoms of headache, muscle tension, or digestive changes
Just like for moms, it’s important to assess for postpartum anxiety in dads. Perinatal anxiety can look like regular general anxiety- but symptoms may be exacerbated or focused on worries about baby’s health and safety. Often, anxiety can manifest as a desire to control or fix anything that doesn’t feel just right.
A Major Reason Dads Don’t Get The Help They Need: Mental Health Stigma
While, mental health stigma unfortunately exists and impacts everyone in regards to identifying their emotions and needs- mental health stigma especially affects men. Here in the US, as well as in most of the world, men are socialized to dismiss their emotions.
From a young age, boys are taught to focus on what they can do, not what they feel. While girls are often reinforced for building close relationships- thus giving them the opportunity to have a support system for their emotions- boys are reinforced for sports or other physical activities. Later on, men are reinforced for becoming successful providers for their family- and taught to dismiss their emotional or relational needs as society often views them as a weakness.
These more traditional roles and expectations for men put them at higher risk for struggling with perinatal mental health conditions. Men are more likely to attach their self-worth to being successful in work, a financial provider, and “strong” in their family system. So, when the family needs and routines change, and discomfort arises (as it will inevitably do with any significant life change), dads may feel more lost and are also more likely to suppress what they are feeling- meaning they don’t get the support that they need.
How You Can Do Things Differently: Creating Space for Paternal Mental Health
While it can take time to unlearn the societal beliefs and pressures that often dismiss paternal mental health- you can start making simple changes now to create space to tend to paternal mental health.
Name and normalize emotions
Practice checking in with yourself multiple times throughout the day “How am I feeling right now?”
Label your emotions- and push yourself to identify your emotions as something other than “stressed” “tired” “overwhelmed”. Identifying emotions such as “anxiety/worry”, “sad”, “frustrated/angry”, “lonely”, “guilty/self-conscious”, “happy/joyful”, “peaceful/content”, “excited”, or “surprised” can be a good place to start!
Normalize a full range of emotions. We humans don’t experience emotions at random. We experience emotions for a reason- every emotion has a function. When we can identify and allow emotions, we are more likely to be able to learn what our emotion is asking of us.
Reflect through journaling
Journaling can be a great way to reflect on the day as well as look back and notice patterns that show up for you. Here are a few prompts that might feel helpful:
What emotions showed up for me today? What might those emotions be asking of me today?
What do I feel proud of myself for today?
What was hard for me today? Is there anything I need around that?
What are my intentions for tomorrow?
Connect with other dads
If you find that your current friend groups focus on activities or involve more surface level conversations that don’t allow for the flexibility of what’s needed in fatherhood- it might be nice to work on connecting to other dads. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with your current friend group (it can be nice to just connect with the guys by playing your favorite video game!), but you may be needing some different level of support in this season.
Look into local or online groups for dads
Join a local or online mental health support group (Postpartum Support International has several free groups, some of which are specifically for dads!)
Join an Early Childhood Family Education or other similar class near you
Practice vulnerable communication
This can be a challenging skill for anyone to practice, and may feel even more out of the ordinary for men who were not socialized to practice vulnerability. Know that initially it may feel hard or uncomfortable- that is okay! Here are a few tips to practicing vulnerability:
Start with people that you trust. This may be your partner, a close friend, or even a therapist (they are literally trained to help you practice vulnerability!)
Utilize I-Statements to name your emotions or needs. “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected and lonely lately, I would love to find some time to spend together.” “I’m feeling so stressed and anxious with the pressure at work right now.”
Know that while vulnerability may feel uncomfortable- it is a great way to let people know how you are feeling so that they can be a support to you! It will start to feel easier as you practice it more.
Create self-care routines
While bigger self-care activities, such as getting together for a game night with friends or getting a massage, can be great from time to time and after a high point of stress- the key to managing stress throughout life changes is having a solid self-care routine. While of course you’ll want your routines to be flexible (as a new baby isn’t always going to allow for a consistent routine), getting little self-care moments throughout the day can make a huge difference. Here are some of my go-to recommendations for a self-care routine:
Build an evening wind-down routine. This might include reading, a warm bath/shower, some gentle movement or stretching, or a nice cup of herbal tea. Boundaries around technology use are likely going to be a major component to a successful wind-down routine so that you can have an hour or so before bed without blue light as well as any content that might be activating.
Build a gentle morning routine. Carve out space for breakfast, some light movement, or a check-in on the day with your partner to support things going as smoothly as possible.
Add in mini self-care moments in your transitions. Practice a 5-minute mindfulness practice after work before going home. Take a lunch break that you do not work through. Go for a walk outside with baby after work- so that you can give mom the break she needs while you also connect to some self-care you need.
Have regular check-ins with your partner and other support systems. This can be a great way to practice communicating with vulnerability. And- this can also be a nice time to just send some funny memes or updates on your day to boost connection.
Mindfulness or grounding exercises
Grounding exercises can be great in parenthood because we are often given endless opportunities of needing to regulate our nervous system. Here are my top recommendations to clients:
Breathing exercises: Listen to a guided breathing exercise (like my Simple Breath Practice) or just take a few minutes to breathe fully by taking evenly paced inhales and exhales, or allowing the exhale to be a count or two longer than your inhale.
Cold exposure: In moments of higher stress or dysregulation- practice some cold exposure to bring down your stress response. Place an ice pack over your eyes for a few minutes, take a cold shower, or even do a cold plunge if that’s your jam.
5-4-3-2-1 skill: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Honestly, the order doesn’t matter, just practice in whatever way it comes to you.
Don’t wait to seek support!
Most of us wait until our symptoms are un-bearable before we get the help that we need. Don’t let that happen to you. You don’t have to suffer in silence before your situation is “worthy enough” to get support.
As any life change, even the ones we are really excited about, can be complex and challenging- I recommend therapy (either individual or couples!) as a support to all parents during the perinatal period (pregnancy through 1-2 years). Parenthood is hard. The needs and demands placed on us are significant and constantly changing. And- raising children has a funny way of bringing up our own stuff that needs some tending to.
If things are feeling pretty good, you might just connect to your support system or a support group for dads so that you can stay connected to others and continue to assess how you are feeling. And, if you notice some symptoms appearing, now is a great time to reach out to a perinatal therapist near you to get some more professional support.
We’re Here to Help
At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we perinatal mental health is our specialty. We offer support throughout making the decision whether or not to have (more) children, fertility challenges that my come your way, pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood in the early years. We know how wonderful, and also how complex, the tender seasons of growing your family can be.
If you live in Minnesota, get started with us for individual or couples therapy! You can learn more about our providers here and set up a free 15-minute consultation to see if we would feel like a good fit for you. You deserve support- and we would be honored to work with you.