You’re doing everything right- or at least you’re trying to. You show up for your kids, you manage the calendar, the meals, the emotions… but at the end of the day, you’re collapsing into bed wondering if you did enough.

If you’re a good mom- why do you feel so tired, resentful, and on edge? The truth. You’re not a bad mom. You’re a burnt-out mom. And you’re not alone.

What Burnout Looks Like in Motherhood

The signs of burnout you might be missing:

Exhaustion that sleep (if you can even get enough) doesn’t seem to fix

It makes sense that you’re feeling physically exhausted after a day of chasing after the kids, running from activity to activity, oh- and you know- probably not getting enough sleep. While this alone doesn’t feel sustainable, we tend to dismiss the significant impact of emotional exhaustion that comes with parenting. You may feel like you always have to be on when watching your kids, are putting a ton of your own emotional energy into helping your kids regulate their emotions, and are getting very little time and space to actually tend to your own needs. You’re exhausted. And those rare nights where you do get enough sleep don’t feel as restorative as you hoped.

Snapping at your partner or kids more than usual

The overwhelm and overstimulation that often comes with parenthood leaves us with little emotional resilience to navigate the stressors of the day. Your partner isn’t helping as much as you’d like as you are all getting ready to head out the door- and you’ve had it. Instead of initiating a skillful conversation or check-in, you snap at them with something like “Can you even see that I need help or do you just not care?!”. And then your kiddo keeps putting their shoes on the wrong feet and is refusing help, so you snap with something like “Do you want us to be late?!”. Oof, these don’t feel like your best moments. But with your current stress levels, they’re happening more often than you’d like to admit.

Feeling emotionally numb or overstimulated

On the days where everything feels out of control, you find yourself shutting down. You feel powerless to navigate the present moment with ease, and so you shut down your emotions. You’re overstimulated with so much going on, and so you also try to leave the present moment in your mind so that you can get some space from it all.

Resentment toward your partner, kids, or loved ones

You love your partner, your kids, your family. In the moments where you feel grounded, you appreciate them so much and are incredibly grateful to have them in your life. But, on the stressful days, you feel frustrated or resentful. You find yourself focusing on their behaviors that bother you the most, and may even be creating stories in your head about how they don’t care about what you’re going through.

Guilt for even needing a break

While if your best friend was feeling what you were feeling- you would encourage them to take a break and get in some much needed self-care. But the rules feel different for you. You feel like you should be able to be a good mom and not be overwhelmed. In the moments where you are longing for a break, you feel guilty and as if you aren’t measuring up.

Many moms assume these signs mean they’re failing, but they’re actually signs that your brain and body are overwhelmed. Parenting is hard. All parents hit seasons of parenthood where it feels like too much. We need breaks, we need care, and we need to take pressure off ourselves in the process. Let’s unpack why this can be uniquely challenging for moms.

The “Good Mom” Trap

Perfectionism, pressure, and the myth of the ideal mother.

Cultural expectations and Social Media Comparison

You’re scrolling social media and you see Cindy’s picture perfect family vacation. How does she do it? Three kids on a four hour flight, and hitting the beach with joy even though they’re navigating a time change with one of their kiddos still napping. How are they all so happy? What is Cindy doing that I’m not? The answer- the highlight reel that Cindy is posting doesn’t paint the whole picture. She isn’t posting about her kids fighting at the airport, the blowout diaper she had to change on the plane, or the fact that they only managed to enjoy the beach for 15-minutes before calling it quits so that everyone could rest at the hotel. We compare our real life to other’s highlight reels all the time. We feel like everyone else has a picture perfect life, is always patient and available to their kids, and that things just go well for others and not us. Parenting is beautiful. And it’s messy. And it’s confusing. Often all within the same day.

Internalized pressure to be “everything to everyone”

Women are often socialized as young girls to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sibling, and eventually a good partner and parent. We are often taught that our worth is dependent on how we can support others. So, it’s no surprise that most moms feel the pressure to be everything to everyone. We are constantly focused on how to make the day go smoothly for everyone around us, and often forget what we need to make the day go smoothly for ourself.

Belief that asking for help = weakness

Often, we are taught that if we are good at something, we have to be self-sufficient. In parenthood, this manifests into feeling like in order to be a good mom we have to be able to do it all on our own. We may believe that if we need to ask for help, we are weak, and thus not a good mom after-all. This is another situation in which we would of course want our best friend to ask for help when she needed it, but feel that different rules apply to us.

You might be caught in an invisible cycle: trying to be the “good mom” while quietly burning out inside. That doesn’t mean you’re failing- it means the expectations are unsustainable. We live in a world where the expectations for motherhood are just unrealistic. It’s time to make a change- so that we can create room for the wonderful things we want in motherhood while we also acknowledge and get support for the hard parts of motherhood.

You Can Be Both - Good and Burnt-Out

Let’s redefine what a “good mom” looks like:

A good mom can have limits

Do you want to raise your children to know that they can value certain things that they do in life while also allowing for limits and boundaries when they’re feeling burnt-out? If so, now’s a great time to start modeling that. Be a mom who is present with her kids, supporting their development, and showing them love and acceptance every day while also being a human who needs breaks for self-care, a moment to regulate their emotions on a tough day, and space outside of motherhood. Allowing space for it all means creating space- you can’t create space to tend to your burn out if you also expect yourself to be a perfect mom at the same time.

A good mom can ask for help

We weren’t meant to parent in isolation. We were meant to raise our kids in communities with support. While our human societies have shifted away from our earlier community based living- that doesn’t mean we can’t find ways to get community support. If you have a partner, family, or friends nearby who can provide support- practice being vulnerable with your needs and asking for help. You can also look into local mom support groups, Early Childhood Education classes, or see what paid support (such as a therapist, babysitter, or housecleaner) might be available to you.

A good mom can need space to breathe

As a human- you have a nervous system. Your nervous system is naturally going to respond in times of stress- leaving you feeling your heart racing or your breath shortened. This is your body’s way of communicating that you need to pause and regulate (in the moments when you’re not actually in an immediate threat). Take a moment to pause and breathe. This can be so hard when your kids need you. But, as long as your kid is safe, go take that breath. Because when you can regulate your nervous system a bit more, your kiddo will feel that and also become more regulated too. It’s a true win-win.

Burnout doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids- it means you need support

Every parent that loves their kids also feels burnt-out from time to time. In fact, you caring so much about doing a good job in parenthood may be contributing to the fact that you’re burnt-out! It doesn’t mean that you should care less, but it does mean you could use some support. You can love your kids a lot and value your role as a parent while also getting help.

Holding both truths: You care deeply and you need care too.

What Can You Do If You’re Feeling This Way

You don’t have to do this alone.

Start by noticing and naming your feelings

If you are so overwhelmed and burnt-out, you might not even be giving yourself the time and space to be aware of what you’re feeling. In order to know what you need, you have to identify how you feel. And no, “stressed” is not enough. Are you feeling lonely because you don’t have a community of support? Are you feeling frustrated because there is too much to do in a day and you’re doing a lot of it on your own? Are you feeling sad because this isn’t how you envisioned parenthood? Are you feeling guilty that you need a break? Identify what feelings are showing up and what’s behind them- if this is feeling tricky, a therapist can be a great guide here!

Give yourself permission to rest without guilt

We all need rest. We all need breaks. Find some times and spaces where you can rest in the day. It might mean not getting to the dishes during nap time and instead resting on the couch with your favorite book. It might mean alternating bed time routines with your partner. It might mean asking a family member to babysit a couple hours a week so you can go to a yoga class. You might feel guilty taking this time for you- but that doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. You’re making sure the kids are cared for and you are taking time for yourself so that you can be a more present parent and also feel a bit more like yourself again. It’s okay to ride those uncomfortable waves of guilt as you take time for yourself anyways- overtime you’ll start to reap the rewards of self-care and it will be easier to connect to.

Talk to someone- whether it be a friend, partner, or therapist

Often, when we are trying to be super mom, we are afraid to admit that we are struggling to others. Then, we all end up putting up this false image of having it all together- which means that we all feel more alone when we really don’t have it all together. Practice opening up to vulnerability with someone you trust. A therapist can be a great resource for this as they can support you in embracing vulnerability as well as giving you better tools to navigate burnout in motherhood.

Consider therapy as a space just for you

I find therapy during seasons of parenthood to be especially powerful. Yes, therapy can be a great space to identify our values and goals in parenthood so that we can connect to them better. But- you know what’s even cooler? Parenthood tends to let us know the areas that need our attention. The challenges of motherhood can let us know that we have some underlying perfectionism, difficulties around self-worth, or overly high self-expectations to deal with. Therapy can be a great space to work on you- for you. And yeah, it’s going to have the additional benefit of supporting your parenting too!

Therapy can help you reconnect to you, not just the version of yourself that’s doing all the caregiving.

Ready to Feel Like Yourself Again?

You’re not alone, and you’re not broken. If you’re ready for support that honors both your love and your limits, therapy might be the right next step.

We have openings for therapy for folks in Minnesota- both in-person at our Eagan, MN office location as well as virtual for anyone in Minnesota. Learn more about our providers here to see if we would feel like a good fit!

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