Getting through the early years of parenthood
As a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health as well as a current mom of a toddler: I can confirm that the early years of parenting can be such a challenging season of life.
While each season of parenthood has it’s own unique challenges, these early years require so much more of us. Always having to be on in regards to making sure our child is safe, navigating the ever-changing routines that our child feels most supported by, meeting the constant emotional needs that our child can’t yet meet for themselves, juggling childcare, and at times, having to put our relationship, friendship, and self-care needs on hold because of how demanding this season of life can be.
In working with parents during these earlier years, I find it so important to stress that this time of life is challenging. Yes, it’s wonderful, exciting, and beautiful in so many ways- but it is normal and okay for this to feel really hard too. I find that working to accept that reality can help us to make sure that we are getting the support that we need during this time of life.
What are some common challenges in the early years of parenthood?
Everyone’s experience is different, and so it’s okay if you face struggles that are different than other parents you know. But, it can at times be helpful to know what some of the common struggles are so that we feel less alone. So, here are some of the ways I’ve found this season of parenthood to be challenging in my own life as well as in my work:
Feeling care-taker fatigue
It is so incredibly normal to feel exhausted with being a care-taker. Being a parent is a 24/7 job. You are always on for making sure your child’s needs are met, supporting the emotional needs that come up, and bringing a little one along for all of the things that you need to do. Even if you do have regular childcare, you’re still responsible for coordinating that childcare and making adjustments where its needed.
Feeling care-taker fatigue, or compassion fatigue, is a real thing in parenthood. Having a baby, toddler, or young child means that we are responsible for making sure that all of their needs are met. And, those needs are ever-changing. As they grow and develop, their nap schedule (or lack of schedule!) changes, needs around feeding and nutrition change, preferences around play and socialization change- so much of their routine is up in the air from month to month!
Those of us who enjoy some predictability and routine are going to feel this challenge. Accepting that change is the norm in terms of routine can feel very uncomfortable. And while it’s great to work on skills to support this, it’s okay to struggle with it. Each season of parenthood will have different caregiving needs, but undoubtedly the most of them fall in these earlier years.
Feeling disconnected from friends
Parenthood can often bring changes to our friendships. Understandably, we have less time and energy to put into our friendships. And, because of where we are in life, we may not be able to connect with friends in the same way as we did before. Time spent together is having to be coordinated around our little one’s routine or our childcare options. And, with so much extra on our plate, time with friends may be few and far between.
Unfortunately, many feel disconnected from their friends beyond the challenging logistics of planning time together. Some notice that their friends distance from them if they are not in a similar phase of life, or feel that their friends are not understanding or supportive of what they’re going through. For many, this season of parenthood is a time to re-evaluate friendships, which can have complicated layers of grief and loss as well.
Feeling disconnected from a partner
Whether it is becoming parents for the first time, or navigating parenting multiple children as a team, it is a given that your relationship with your partner will feel different during this time. There are just so many more responsibilities, that there is not enough time nor energy to be able to connect in the same ways as you may have before.
This shift can be really challenging for most couples. We may enter into parenthood imagining that we will feel like a dream team and even closer to our partner than we did before. And while there may be moments of that, it’s normal for there to be moments of heightened stress, unmet relationship needs, and disconnection.
Often, couples look at this challenge as an indicator that something is wrong in their relationship. And, while it can certainly be an invitation to have some important conversations and work to grow in this season of life together, it is important to hold space for the fact that it is normal for your relationship to feel different right now.
Yes, it’s helpful to get creative and find ways to connect even while things are busier than usual, and to know that you are in it together for the long haul. This time in parenthood means that your relationship may not get as much time and attention as you would like it to, but know that future seasons of parenthood will feel different.
Loss of identity
As we are so focused on meeting our child’s needs, we may lose our own sense of identity. There is less time for us to engage in our hobbies, connect to self-care, and tend to our relationships. Understandably, this can have a significant impact on our mental health. When we can’t do the things that we usually do to support ourselves, we are going to feel it.
And, even when we can create the space to connect to our hobbies or self-care routines, it might feel different. Becoming a parent, either for the first time or any subsequent times, changes us. It doesn’t mean the things that we enjoy have to totally change, but it’s normal to notice a shift. For many, this can feel really confusing. We may not feel like we truly know ourselves anymore.
Accepting that the ways we can connect to ourself will look different right now- as well as the fact that we might have to learn new things about ourself as we are also growing and developing- can feel tricky. Often, people feel a sense of uncertainty here.
Self-doubt
We all want to be great parents. Great partners. Great friends. Great humans. And, we can’t do it all. There are going to be times that we fall short in one area or another because we literally don’t have the capacity. And, the inner critic loves to make us feel guilt, shame, and self-doubt about it.
We may also feel self-doubt just around the choices we make in navigating this season of life. With social media right at our fingertips, we can instantly see all of the different ways others are portraying their approaches to parenthood. It can be easy to get stuck in cycles of comparison-mindset and self-doubt.
Working to trust our own gut, and know that we are often doing a great job even when things feel hard, is a really tough skill to learn. Especially when we are in the midst of such a tough time in life. I’ve found that most parents struggle with this, and, I’ve seen it hit hardest for the parents who are really trying to do the best that they can. So, a little reminder that struggling with self-doubt is not correlated with actually doing something wrong.
The fact that you are struggling during this season of life does not mean you are doing something wrong.
Often, parents will criticize themselves for struggling through this time rather than validating that it is an inherently challenging time. It’s natural to look at what we could do differently when we are feeling discomfort. It’s a basic survival skill! We are wired to notice discomfort, look for what we can do to change the circumstance, and move forwards with less discomfort.
But, that’s not always the best strategy, especially in regards to parenthood. Sure, we want to be informed in our parenting decisions and make the choices that feel the best for us. But that doesn’t mean we are going to be able to bypass the discomfort of parenthood. Nor does it mean that we will ever feel fully confident in the choices that we make.
In parenthood, there are so many different “right” ways we can approach things. While this can be a reassurance, for those of us parents with strong inner-critics, these different approaches can leave us blaming ourself for failing if we ever make a choice that doesn’t pan out well.
So, what skills are important to build on during these early years of parenthood?
Work on building solid communication with your support network
Communication can be so challenging during this time, and yet it is so essential. Putting energy into effective communication with our partner, family members, friends, and others in our support network can make a huge difference in how we feel supported during this time.
When we can communicate how we are feeling about something, what we need, as well as ask for help when we need- our support system has more accurate information, thus increasing the chances of us feeling connected to and supported by others.
Practicing vulnerability
Practicing vulnerability means that we are identifying how we are feeling, sharing that with someone else, and letting them know what we are needing- whether it be comfort, help, or problem solving. When we tap into vulnerability, we let people in. Often, we unintentionally cut ourselves off from the support that we are needing because of the walls that we put up around vulnerability.
If being vulnerable with others is new for you, know that being comfortable with vulnerability takes time. Start at a place that feels safe. You can take baby steps into sharing your experience, and can also start off by practicing vulnerability with those who are most likely to respond in a supportive way to it. It’s normal for this to feel uncomfortable at first! Building the skill of vulnerability takes time. With continued practice, you’ll start to notice that vulnerability eventually feels safer and is more effective at bringing others in for you.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
Our schedules, routines, and needs during parenthood change drastically. Because of this, it’s important to work on effective boundaries. This will include boundaries around your time and energy as well as how you’re comfortable with others being present in your family’s life. Needing a boundary in a relationship does not mean anything is wrong in the relationship, rather, is a great way that we can communicate our circumstance and need. When we identify a need for a boundary and express it, we are working to support and maintain the relationship.
Explore what self-care supports you best during this season of life
How we engaged in self-care before parenthood looks different than how we engage in self-care during parenthood. The time, space, and energy that we have for self-care is different. And that’s okay- because our needs around self-care have probably changed too!
So, as you notice the need to shift how you engage in self-care, you can also explore what types of self-care would actually feel most nurturing to you. This is often a time of trial-and-error in order to find what forms of self-care you are needing as well as to bring in systems that support you being able to connect with it.
Invest in your relationship with yourself and your partner
It can be easy to get consumed by parenthood in these early years. Little ones demand so much of our time and attention, and, we often want to give them everything that we can to nurture them! And, while it’s important to connect to our parenting values in nurturing our little one(s), we also need to nurture ourselves and our partnership. Part of your self-care strategy may be taking time for yourself to connect to hobbies, time outdoors, or just spending time learning more about you.
And, if you have a partner in the mix, working to take time to connect with one another is important too. Sometimes, this might mean spending a little time in each other’s company after the kids go down instead of doing household chores. And, even though the frequency may be less than it was before parenthood, dedicating time to spend with one another without your children can be a helpful way to continue nurturing your relationship.
Some of us struggle to dedicate time and energy to ourselves or our partnership because we are prioritizing our children (on top of the fact that finding the time or childcare is inherently challenging!), so it can be helpful to remember that these are moments where we are modeling this care for our children. They get to see us care for ourselves and our relationships, which is something we hope that they will do for themselves too!
Invest in relationships that support you
How we connect to our relationships looks different in parenthood. Maintaining relationships with our partner, family, and friends requires a bit of creativity and a lot of acceptance. We may need to get creative in connecting with those we love. Sometimes it means catching up while kids are playing at the park, and other times it means having to plan farther in advance to ensure there is childcare in place.
Unfortunately, we are likely to notice that the limits around connection leave us feeling more distant from those we love. So, here’s where acceptance comes in. We likely have to accept that during this season of parenthood, we may not feel as close to our friends and loved ones as we’d like to be.
That doesn’t mean that those relationships are less important, it just means they may feel a bit different right now. Bringing in open communication around how to creatively connect with our people, as well as sharing how much we value the relationships even when they are feeling different can be helpful in maintaining those relationships.
Likewise, there may be some distance that does let you know there’s a significant change in a relationship. Many parents notice that their friendships shift after parenthood, and notice a need to build friendships that support this season of their life. There is grief in this, and there is also peace in coming to a place where we are investing the limited amount of energy that we have in the relationships that currently support us.
Getting support when we need it
Just as it is important to ask for help from our support network when we need it, it is important to seek professional support when we need it too. This time of life is challenging, and it is understandable for mental health challenges to arise. Seeking individual or couples therapy during this time can help you to hold space for your current experiences, identify what you need, and build in practices that help you through it all.
As a person who has gone through my own challenges during this time, as well as a therapist who supports new parents, I view these early years of parenthood as a beautiful time in life for transformation. Through this time, we can learn so much more about ourselves, what we value, and areas of us that could use some tending to.
At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we value supporting parents through this season of life. If you live in Minnesota and could use support, check out our services here and our team here. We would love to support you!