5 Ways to Cope with Stress that is Outside of Your Control
Naturally, when we experience stress, our brain wants to go towards problem solving to try to get us past the stress. And- in moments when we are experiencing a solve-able problem, that is great! However, many of the stressors we experience in life are not fully within our control.
A common example of stressors outside of our control come in the form of societal problems. These can be due to the political environment or broken systems (such as healthcare). And while there are some things that we can do to support change, such as voting, writing to our representatives, and supporting our community- we rarely find ourselves in positions of power to enact significant change in the moment.
Other stressors in this category might be short-term stressors that we need to ride out (such as a difficult project at work), or stressors that take long-term problem solving before they start to feel better (such as working through difficult family dynamics).
When we are in the midst of stress that is outside of our control, we often feel dysregulated or overwhelmed. Our mind can spin on unhelpful self-talk that leaves us feeling stuck, hopeless, or as if we’re not doing a good enough job. With that, not only are we in a stressful situation, but we are also feeling down on ourselves about it.
Being in that place for an extended period of time can lead to burn out. We can feel so depleted that we feel the stressor more intensely, may be unintentionally making choices that actually make things worse, and are less likely to be able to make skillful choices when they are available.
So, what can you do about it?
Once we realize that we are in the middle of a stressor that we cannot control in this moment, it’s important to start by taking care of ourselves. This allows us to ride the wave of stress as smoothly as possible- so that when we are at a moment where problem solving is possible, we are able to act skillfully.
As a therapist, I am often working with clients on navigating stressors that are not fully within their control. So, you could say I’ve got a lot of experience (professionally and personally!) in finding the most helpful ways to navigate these times.
So let’s jump into it: here are my 5 top ways to cope with stress that is outside of our control:
Regulate Your Nervous System
Our nervous system works to keep us safe during situations that may be threatening to us, and unfortunately isn’t able to differentiate when a stressor is actually putting us in danger or not. So, while we might logically know that we are safe and okay while our toddler is having a melt down at the grocery store, our nervous system may be putting us into fight or flight mode.
When our nervous system puts us into a stress response mode, we may feel an increased heart rate or respiration rate, get sweaty palms, and either feel an urge for immediate action or feel frozen. Our thoughts tend to be highly influenced by emotion here, and so may not be helpful for any meaningful problem solving (unless we are actually facing an immediate threat).
Your nervous system isn’t wrong for responding in this way. It’s our body’s way of letting us know that we are going through a significant stressor. When we notice that our nervous system is dysregulated, it is our job to respond with a regulating skill that our body can understand. Hint: it’s not going to be a cognitive reframe!
Here are some of my go-to nervous system regulation skills:
cold exposure: cold exposure activates our vagus nerve- which in turn helps us to regulate our nervous system, and thus become more grounded and be able to think more clearly. We can practice cold exposure by placing an ice pack over our eyes for a few minutes while we breathe deeply, splash cold water on our face and neck, let the water run cold in the shower for a bit, or even do a cold plunge for a full on experience. This is a favorite one for me and many of my clients to quickly bring down the stress response- but it’s not a great fit for folks with certain medical conditions (such as a heart condition), so check in with your doctor before bringing this practice into your routine.
paced breathing: I love paced breathing as it is a skill we can practice anytime and anywhere- and also activates that lovely vagus nerve. Start with a breath that feels comfortable for you and bring your inhales and exhales to an even pace, such as inhaling for a count of 4 and exhaling for a count of 4. If that feels good, you can work to allow your exhale to be a count or tow longer than your inhale for an extra relaxation effect. If breathing exercises are new for you or feel difficult to connect with, listening to a guided breathing exercise can help!
move your body: what better way to connect with our body than to move it! We can take a couple different approaches to moving our body to help us regulate- and the more that you practice these the better you will be able to identify what your body needs. For many, that anxious or jittery feeling in the body can be a sign that you have stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, wanting to motivate you into action. Engaging in some higher intensity exercise that gets the heart pumping, such as running around the block or doing some jumping jacks, will help flush out those hormones and let the body know that it’s done what it needed to do in the moment. Alternatively, sometimes we are feeling tense in our body and need some extra relaxation. Connecting to some gentle stretches, restorative yoga poses, or progressive muscle relaxation can help us communicate to our body that we are safe and it is okay to relax. If you’re not sure what your body needs in this moment, start with something higher intensity and move into something more relaxing- see what you notice!
2. Connect to Your Support System
Humans are social creatures- which means that we rely on others to get by. But, unfortunately, in times of stress we may pull pack or withdraw from others due to shame or hopelessness. Working through that urge to withdraw isn’t easy- and it is so important in coping with life’s stressors.
When we are struggling, connecting with others that we can trust can make a world of difference. Be mindful of who you enjoy being with versus who you truly feel supported by- as those might not always be the same people. Those who understand complex emotions, are willing to hold space with us (rather than try to fix or problem solve), and who do a nice job validating and supporting us are the ones we want to focus on connecting to here.
Often in my work with clients, the challenge is having that support system in place. If you don’t feel like you have a solid support system right now- know that you’re not alone in that. Start where you can. This might be with a therapist! A therapist will be a safe support who can help you navigate this time as well as help you build that support system for the long run. It can also be helpful to start with safe spaces. This may be by regularly going to a park you love, a yoga class that feels comfortable, or creating soothing places in your home (which brings us to our next skill!).
3. Soothe Your Senses
I recommend having a regular practice of soothing your senses at all times, but especially in times of stress. Soothing our senses helps us to regulate our nervous system by communicating to the body that we are safe. It is also a way of practicing self-compassion through our actions by setting ourself up for comfort. Here are some of my go-to self soothe practices:
Smell: soothe your sense of smell by lighting a candle you enjoy, getting a roll on essential oil, or by baking some delicious smelling cookies.
Sound: soothe your sense of sound by listening to your favorite music, listening to the sounds of nature while on a walk, or by listening to a calming voice of a guided meditation.
Sight: soothe your sense of sight by using relaxing lighting in your home, looking at nature while on a walk, or by looking at artwork in a museum.
Taste: soothe your sense of taste by eating your favorite meal, having a delicious cup of tea, or having a snack that is comforting for you.
Touch: soothe your sense of touch by massaging lotion on your feet or hands, cuddling with a partner or pet, or getting a massage.
There are countless ways to soothe your senses, and the more that you practice it, the better you’ll be able to identify what is the most soothing for you! I often recommend bringing together multiple sensations at once- such as taking a bath with good smelling soap while you listen to relaxing music and eat some chocolate.
4. Distract as Needed
While the skill of distraction is often overused as an avoidance tool, it certainly has it’s place in effectiveness! When we are feeling stuck in unhelpful self-talk or rumination, distracting ourselves for a bit can be a nice way to reset. When using the distract skill, be mindful of how much time you are spending on it. Typically, we want to distract for about an hour or less so that we don’t sink into avoidance. Not that we can never take an evening to intentionally avoid when that serves us best- but if we go that route regularly we may end up making the situation worse for ourselves.
Another important part of the distract skill is to find something that is actually distracting. When you’re in a moment of high stress, your favorite show may not be able to keep your focus like it used to. So, try out some different things that will keep your focus better. This may be by watching a scary movie, crocheting, or going for a walk and looking out for anything that is the color purple.
5. Engage in What You Can Control
In most problems that are not fully within our control- there may be something that we can take action on, even if it doesn’t fully solve the problem. This might be by writing our local representatives about a concern we have in politics, cleaning a corner of our home even if it’s too overwhelming to clean the whole house, or talking to a friend we trust in times that we are having a difficult time with a family member. These small steps may not solve the entire problem, but they can reduce the intensity of it while also helping us feel like we have some forward momentum.
And, sometimes, we need to engage in something that we can control that has nothing to do with the situation we are feeling stressed about. This is an area that I find hobbies can really shine! Pick up a new craft, get back into knitting, start a garden in your backyard. These can give you some more enjoyable and effective ways to feel like you are moving in a good direction.
Know that the stressor won’t be forever.
Struggling with stress that is outside of our control is a common experience. We all go through it! And, while in the moment it can feel so all-consuming, know that it doesn’t last forever. When we can practice skills to navigate the hardest parts of it, we are more likely to be able to engage in problem solving skills once those are more available to us.
And when the going gets heavy, know that it’s always okay to get support. Working with a therapist that you trust can help you build skills to navigate times like these, get clarity on what your goals are, and move into a direction that feels best for you in the long term.
At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we have therapists who would love to support you! We have in-person sessions at our Eagan, MN office location, and also offer virtual therapy for those located across Minnesota. Learn more about our team here and our services here!