5 Ways Parents Benefit from Therapy
Parenthood is a ride. When we become new parents, our life looks very different than it used to. Our daily routines, responsibilities, energy levels, and where we need to focus our attention looks nothing like it did before parenthood. And, once we think we have figured out this phase of parenthood, we enter a new phase that throws us through a loop.
This change can leave us feeling dysregulated, disconnected from our partner, unsure of our own identity, and struggling with our mental health. And, while it’s common for parenthood to be a struggle, since it is “normal”, we feel that there’s nothing we can really do about it.
We, here at Minnesota Attachment Collective, are firm believers that therapy is for everyone. And, therapy can be especially helpful for major life transitions- such as parenthood. While it’s understandable that it might feel challenging to allocate the time and energy you need for therapy (as those resources may be so scarce as it is!), the benefits of therapy can really change the game of how you feel in parenthood.
Not only is therapy a great tool in reducing stress as a new parent, but it also helps us to support our mental health (such as postpartum depression), stay connected to what is important in our life, and create space for a life that feels best for us and our whole family. Whether you're a brand new parent, seasoned mother of five, or couple navigating changing phases of your family unit- therapy can help you navigate the stress and build in things that feel fulfilling.
As parents, we tend to pour from empty cups. We want the best for our children, and that can make it feel challenging to want the best for ourselves too. So, here’s a gentle reminder from a therapist, you deserve all of the things that you want for others. And- when we can take care of ourselves, it’s easier to take care of those we love too.
So, how can therapy actually benefit parents?
ONE: Therapy helps you learn how to regulate your emotions during the challenges of parenthood.
We’ve all been there. Our toddler has their fifth emotional meltdown of the day, and this time, because you told them that you were going to leave your hair up in a bun despite the desire they have for your hair to be down. Toddlers, am I right?
Or, our newborn only wants to sleep when we are up and moving with them. Now, on top of feeing overwhelmed with everything else going on, we're not able to get a good night's sleep (or even a semi-decent night's sleep), thus a bit less able to navigate the stress of the day.
Children go through so many phases of development, growth, and change- that can often feel uncomfortable. It is normal that they are going to have moments that they cannot regulate their emotions around something seemingly small. And, for the little ones, they don’t even have the skills to regulate their emotions if they wanted to!
It’s natural for us to feel discomfort around this person that we love struggling so much. It’s also natural for us to feel like we’ve hit our limit and that we ourselves are getting dysregulated from all of the stress of the day.
That’s where therapy comes in.
Unfortunately, many of us didn’t learn the emotion regulation skills in our own childhood that we need for ourselves now. Therapy is a great place for us to learn those skills. We like to look at therapy as a way to build up your tool box. You get to learn and practice new strategies so that you have some options to choose from in different moments throughout the day.
Not only will this help you to ride these waves with a bit more ease and peace, but you will also be modeling great emotion regulation skills for your own children. This is the best way that we can support our children through tough emotions and teach them how to use these skills themselves over time. When we work to meet our own needs, we are better able to support our little one in meeting their needs too.
It’s likely that you didn’t learn these skills from your own parents modeling them. But, think about what that might have been like?! When our parents practice and model these skills, children have more space to explore their own emotional experience and know that they are accepted and loved even through the tough stuff. Which, brings us to our next point…
TWO: Therapy gives you space to do your own attachment work.
As discussed above, few of us got the message “you are loveable, even when you experience tough emotions.” from our parents when we were growing up. Even when our parents were trying their absolute best, they may not have had the skills to provide a secure attachment relationship with us- which may have some impacts for us now.
It’s common for new parents to have these attachment wounds triggered when we are parenting. We may feel extra uncomfortable around an emotion our child expresses that we weren’t allowed to express. We may feel the urge to be perfect parents because we attach perfection to being worthy. We may feel guilty if our child is unhappy but we can’t “fix” it.
A lot of different stuff around our own attachment wounds can pop up in parenthood.
Instead of these triggers being a sign that doing something wrong as a parent, we like to look at it as invitations for growth. Parenthood is a time of major transformation and growth- it points out the areas that need attending to, and therapy can be a great place to attend to those needs.
In therapy, we can process our feelings around parenthood, areas we struggle in, and even attachment patterns that may go back to our own childhood or previous traumatic experiences. In working through these experiences, we can identify ways to respond to these emotional triggers that serve our intentions around parenthood more.
Instead of feeling like we are a bad parent because our toddler is going through a phase of emotional roller coasters, we can learn that these ups and downs of emotions are not only normal in toddlerhood, but healthy. We can remind ourself that we are a great and worthy parent when we allow space for those emotions- even if sometimes we have to allow space by tapping out with a partner so that we can take care of ourselves too.
Speaking of working on things with your partner…
THREE: Therapy gives you tools to connect with your partner through this season of parenthood.
Parenthood changes relationships in really significant ways. While each season of parenthood may include more or less space for prioritizing your relationship with your partner, each phase includes some unique challenges.
Infancy and toddlerhood may mean that much of the time, our relationship takes a back seat. Even when we are doing our best, it’s hard to find time and space for date nights, physical intimacy, or just cozy moments to chill together at home.
Childhood and teenage years can bring up differences in parenting goals, imbalances around discipline, and figuring out what family time looks like.
The launching and adulthood years may bring up space to reconnect in your relationship- but maybe some uncertainty around how to do that.
So, before your child becomes an adult and moves out of the home, leaving you in an empty nest unsure of who your partner is anymore- connect in therapy to continue to build a strong relationship through each stage of parenthood.
Just like parenthood can trigger up the things that we need to individually work on ourselves, parenthood can trigger areas that need tending to in our relationship. Often, this involves communication, conflict resolution, and prioritizing quality time. We can really learn our growth areas when our other resources are running thin!
In individual therapy, we can learn about how this stuff is showing up for us, and work to connect with our partner in ways that align with our relationship values and goals more strongly. In couples therapy, you and your partner can learn and practice communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills, practice vulnerability in expressing your needs, and set intentions around making your relationship a priority- even if it’s a season that doesn’t allow it to be the number one priority.
FOUR: Therapy helps you connect to your own sense of identity while your life is in transition.
Just like seasons of parenthood may shift seasons of partnership- we may go through different seasons of identity. In parenthood, we may not always have the amount of time or energy to pour into ourselves that we would like to. This can impact our hobbies, how we connect to our friends, or experience in our career.
Just because our connection to our sense of self may ebb and flow in parenthood- it doesn’t mean that it has to go away. In fact, parenthood can be a great time to really explore what is important to us, and dive into how we want to connect to that. As we age, it’s normal for some of these identity things to shift, and so attuning to these needs is a lifelong skill that we can work to develop now.
In therapy, we have space to explore what things we find meaning in- both in and outside of parenting. We get to practice creativity as we figure out how we can attend to what we find meaning in during this phase of parenthood. A therapist is a great person to ask us the questions that help us dig deeper and learn more about ourselves!
FIVE: Therapy gives you space to identify the priorities you want to connect to right now.
Each stage of parenthood is going to feel different. Some stages will take more of your time. Others will take more of your energy. And, others will have a bigger impact on your emotions.
Therapy will not only help you to normalize this shifting experience through each phase- but will help you navigate each phase in a way that feels best to you. As you learn more about yourself in therapy, you will learn more about what is important to you. This will help you set priorities for your attention so that you have some more clarity moving forwards.
And while this sense of clarity won’t necessarily make it easy to navigate each phase, it will give you some opportunities to check in with yourself, normalize your experience, and refocus on what feels most supportive to you in this moment.
So, you get that therapy might be helpful right now, but aren’t sure how to get started?
A simple google search for a therapist may provide you with a bunch of different therapists that you don’t know how to choose from.
We believe that the therapeutic relationship makes all the difference. Finding someone you are (or think you could eventually) get comfortable with will help therapy to be more effective for you. So, be picky with who you schedule with!
Check out the bios and specialties of the therapists you are choosing from. If they offer a free initial consultation, take them up on it! Not only do you deserve therapy, but you deserve therapy with someone who understands the challenges of parenthood and can help you navigate it all.
That’s a major priority for us at Minnesota Attachment Collective. We have therapists who specialize in supporting parents, and we really know our stuff. We want to make sure you feel seen, understood, and supported. If you life in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, check out our therapy services here, and meet our team here.
We offer virtual therapy to anyone who is in the state of Minnesota (which provides great flexibility for new parents!), or in-person therapy at our cozy Eagan office for anyone living in or south of the twin cities.