5 Boundary Tips to Help You Enjoy This Holiday Season
The holiday season can feel hard
We all know it... the holiday season isn't always as joyful as we would like it to be. Our schedules tend to be more full with different events and celebrations, expectations we feel from family and friends tends to be higher, and the expectations we hold ourselves to are also more rigid.
We can sometimes feel so glued to doing what we think we should do- that we don't actually pause to think about what we want to do. Do you really want to go to two different family holiday gatherings in one day? Do you really want to spend days leading up to a celebration in the kitchen making the perfect dish? Do you really want to add in that work party on top of everything else?
Sometimes, the things that we pack our schedules with do bring us joy- they might be the things that we truly want to do! And, sometimes we are just doing things to meet certain expectations in a way that doesn't serve us.
Why boundaries over the holiday season are especially challenging
Boundaries are a challenging thing in general, but are especially hard around the holidays. Societal norms tell us that we should be going to all of these gatherings, that we should be buying and baking all of the things, that we should have everything set up perfectly to bring our families joy. It's a lot of shoulds!
And, if you are the magic-maker in your family, which typically (but not always) falls on mothers, you may be carrying more than your fair share of the holiday to-do list. Thinking about putting in boundaries around what we are willing to take on may leave us feeling guilty. We might feel like we are not a good enough parent, partner, child, sibling, etc. if we don't meet all of the expectations.
So, instead of holding the boundaries that we need, we force ourselves to do all of the things, and then we feel overwhelmed and resentful about the things that are supposed to bring us joy. It's... a lot.
And while it may seem obvious that we need some boundaries to support ourselves through the holidays, it can feel almost impossible to implement them. We may be guilted by a family member if we choose to not attend a gathering. We may feel the disappointment of our child if the gifts under the tree are fewer than last year. We may feel some fear-of-missing-out if we don't do the things that we typically do.
And while feeling success with these boundaries takes time and practice, deep down- you know that you deserve to have an enjoyable holiday season. We all do! And if we can slow down enough to check in with what things actually bring us joy, and what things feel too overwhelming- we might all get to be a bit more present with each other when we do celebrate.
How creating and holding boundaries can help you enjoy the season more
So, we know that attending all of the family gatherings, going to all of the holiday parties, doing everything and anything for our friends and family members, having the perfect holiday cards, and baking the best holiday cookies are not going to bring us peak joy- but are more likely to leave us feeling stressed. So, what's the alternative? How could boundaries really help?
Boundaries help us to be present with one thing at a time
Bringing in healthy boundaries for the holiday season will give us the space to actually feel present in doing the things that we enjoy. When we can reduce what is on our plate, we can feel more free to connect to what is right in front of us. This can be a little bit of a trial and error process to figure what amount of holiday to-dos feel like the right balance for us, but typically, any bit of paring down will give us some more space to be present with what we are doing in the moment.
For example, if we have a boundary around attending just one family gathering in a day as opposed to two, we are more likely to actually be able to enjoy the gathering that we are at. If our day is packed with multiple different events or tasks, we can get so focused on making sure that we get to the next thing that we aren't actually present with what is right in front of us.
Likewise, if we allow ourselves to reduce the holiday tasks on our plate, we give ourselves the opportunity to be more present with the ones that we kept on our plate. If we usually bake two different kinds of holiday cookies plus a couple dishes to bring to holiday parties- we might get burned out by being in the kitchen. If we instead just cook the ones that we really enjoy cooking, and allow ourselves to just pick up some ready made stuff for the others, we might actually get to slow down and enjoy cooking the ones we love to cook!
Boundaries give us time for self-care
The holiday season can be a tough one on mental health. Our schedules may be bursting at the seems, symptoms of seasonal depression tend to show up around this time of year, anxiety around expectations can be sky high, grief from what's lacking in relationships may poke it's head up, and we don't feel like we have the time to truly take care of ourselves.
When we set boundaries around our time during the holidays, we schedule time for self-care for ourselves. This means we prioritize time for sleep, for some good old talk therapy, for some deep breathing or other mindfulness skills throughout the day, for routines that support us, and for authentic connections with our loved ones.
It can be hard to focus on taking care of ourselves when we have so much else going on. And, with practice we can make sure we carve out space for ourselves so that we can support our own well being and mental health during this time. Not only is this good for us- but it is also great for our relationships! When we feel good, we are more likely to have healthy connections with our loved ones. A true win-win!
Boundaries give us the reminder that our wants and needs are important too
It's normal to focus on the needs of others over the needs of ourselves around the holidays, but is that healthy? While of course, it can feel good to do those special things for those we care about around the holidays- it can have a negative effect on our mental health if we don't have time for ourselves on our schedule.
This tends to be especially challenging for parents. If you are feeling responsible for bringing all of the holiday joy in your family, you may be left wondering who is creating the holiday joy for you? When we set boundaries, we can also work on bringing in realistic expectations for our family. This means being realistic about what is on everyones plate- which takes account for everyones wants and needs, including yours!
When we set boundaries around what we are taking on, ask for help around what else is needed, and let some things be imperfect (I know, I know, so hard!), we remind ourselves and those around us that our needs matter too. This may take some time to really sink in for ourselves and those around us- but with practice this can feel like the new normal: where everyone's needs are valued and supported.
Top 5 boundary tips for the holidays
Take an inventory of how you feel
Each person's needs will be different around the holidays as not everyone will have the same capacity, energy levels, and interests. So- take some time to figure out what your specific needs and wants are. You'll likely need to remind yourself that your needs are allowed to be different from the societal norms.
Reflect on past holiday seasons. What things have felt lovely? What things have felt stressful? What traditions do you enjoy connecting to? What are some of the shoulds that you do- but you really don't enjoy doing? Get an inventory of how things have felt in the past while also getting curious about how you are feeling about things now.
This is very much a learning process that involves a lot of trial and error. You might not get these boundaries down the way that you want them this year. That's okay- you can learn from your experience and try something different next year.
Likewise, your needs will understandably vary from year to year. A year that you are struggling with your mental health more may include more boundaries and requests for support. A year that you are feeling grounded and energetic might look a bit different. That is all okay!
Check in with yourself throughout the season to see how things feel and adjust as you need to. If you notice a feeling of anxiety as you put something down on the schedule, that might be an indicator that you need a bit more space. And, if there's something that you notice feeling excitement about, you might want to make sure to highlight that and make sure your other boundaries support your ability to engage in that activity!
2. Adjust boundaries to focus on what you want to enjoy most
Boundaries are here to support us- not to limit us. As you are taking an inventory of how you feel, it can be helpful to really focus on prioritizing the things that give you the most joy. When we allow those activities to be our foundation, we can adjust our other boundaries to make more space for those activities.
If you love baking cookies to share with friends and family- carve out space for that! You might allow yourself to let go of needing to wrap gifts super beautifully or decorate your house to the nines if that means you get to be more present in baking your favorite cookies. Gentle reminder here: you don't have to do it all.
If you love being present with loved ones as you celebrate the holiday, make sure that you have time to really connect. This might mean checking in with other family members ahead of time to try to schedule family gatherings on different days so that you get to be present at each gathering rather than feel like you are rushing from one to the next.
3. Assess and communicate needs ahead of time
While there will certainly be times that we need to adjust boundaries on the fly based on how we are feeling, it is generally going to be smoother when we identify what boundaries we need ahead of time and communicate them to others with time for them to support them.
For example, if this year you want your immediate family to adjust gift giving to be more focused on one meaningful gift for each person rather than numerous different gifts- that will be a helpful conversation to have earlier on. When we communicate these needs earlier on, we give others a chance to understand and ask questions, as well as give space for negotiating things around in a way that supports everyone in situations where that makes the most sense.
Sometimes, we are communicating a boundary that doesn't have room to negotiate, but we want to give others a chance to process and accept it. Maybe you typically fly out to see family across the country for the holiday, but realize that feels like too much this year. Letting them know in advanced notice will not only give them some time to get used to the different plan this year, but will also likely make it easier for you to stick to.
4. Use boundary communication as a tool for increasing connectedness in relationships
Boundary communication can be a great way to increase connectedness in relationships! Often, when we want boundaries around the holidays it is so that we can feel less stressed and more present with those that we love. When we can be open in communicating this desire, the person on the other end of the boundary may feel more connected to us.
For example, maybe you spend all morning on Christmas cooking and baking dishes for a family get together. While everyone loves your dishes, you might be so stressed out by the busy day that it's hard to really connect with family when you are together. Here, you can communicate the desire to be more present with others as you express your boundary around not cooking as many different dishes. This can give the opportunity for everyone to prioritize time to connect with each other- and maybe even some joint problem solving of others helping prepare dishes or creating simpler meal plans.
Because of societal expectations, many of us feel like boundaries are a bad thing in relationships. We may feel like if we need a boundary, it means there is a problem in the relationship. If we can reframe our focus to the fact that boundaries are healthy in all relationships- we can more easily communicate them in a way that will feel supportive of those relationships.
5. Remember that a boundary is for you
While it is of course ideal when others understand, respect, and support our boundary- that doesn't always happen. Understandably, a goal of ours will often be for the boundary to be a helpful tool for connection and joy for all parties- sometimes others just won't get it.
Others may feel stuck in societally defined expectations around the holidays, expectations around performance in relationships equating to love in relationships, or may just have a difficult time understanding and accepting the needs of others. For this reason, it's important to remember that boundaries are for us.
We may communicate a boundary as skillfully as we can, and someone else still might not respect it. That's okay. Frustrating and hurtful, yes. And... okay. Our boundary still sticks. We still get to respect our boundary even if someone else doesn't.
This is often where the hard work of boundaries lies. If others don't respect your boundary and it leads to some conflict, this first holiday season with boundaries may feel more tough than not having the boundary in the first place. That doesn't mean the boundary was wrong. It means that it's going to take some practice over the years for you to feel comfortable disappointing others with your boundary, and for others to get that you're going to hold your boundary anyways.
Need support for holding boundaries?
While we hope that this practice with boundaries gets to bring you more connectedness in your relationships, more joy in the season, and less stress overall- we get that it might feel tough! If you notice a lot of hesitation around boundaries or feel like the boundaries just aren't working in the way you would like them to- it might be a nice time to reach out for support.
Communication skills and boundaries are tricky in our world. Not only do they involve skills that we are unfortunately not taught regularly, but it also typically involves working through some tough attachment wounds that we may have buried deep. Therapy can be a great place to unpack whatever is getting in the way of boundaries, gain confidence in holding your boundaries, and supporting your relationships overall.
If you are in Minnesota, we have therapists who would love to support you in this work! At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we are all about attachment relationships. We value holding space for healing past attachment wounds and connecting to what brings us the most meaning in life. You can learn about our services here, and check out our team here to see who you would resonate with the most!